confusius

The fading of a friendship is a very painful, slow and unmarked process. Painful for the ones who'd like it to linger on, slow for everyone involved and unlevelled in general. Would'nt it just be wonderful if the world was all hunky dory just for once? Ahhh.....i wish. But everyone moves on......especially when you're the one still surrounded by friends......not marooned on some sickly lonely island.

However, I think about it for a little while longer and as always.....my ego begins to crop up now and again and is soon central to my thought process. And I think.....so what?!!! Im my own person! They've moved on and so should I!!!!

I then curl up in a heap and cry.

Nonetheless reprimanding myself for being absolutely pathetic.

......and then the phone rings.....and everythings ok again. I hope.

alohaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

aah.........it feels so good to be back here again.......i spose i really didnt have much to write (read:bitch....complain.....cry...sigh) about.........well....its that time of the year again!!!!!!!! woohooooooooo....everyone clap at this girls misery!!!!!!!!!!!!

hmmm.....so....lets take over from where i left...........remember me crying and whining about my friends?i've left that place now.........and turns out i miss them alot........i finally DID fit in..........at the wrong time though..........

anyway........im an absolute wreck here............i feel like such a sadist sometimes........but its only when i write that i really do let it all out.........i dont keep diaries so this is the second best place actually........

its been a months in this new place........and ive made friends.......sure mock at me .....but really....they're nice..........the sad thing (is it sad?) is that most of them r leaving......i m going too......gosh.....i never knew i could talk like a kid...anyway bunk

now...coming to the point......i wanna leaveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :(

sheeshhhhhhhhhhhh.........WHY am i such a hypocrite

u guessed it! lately ive been very self deprecating

VERY

about----

me

my clothes

how i look

my idiocy (is that even a word)

my tendency to bore when im not interested

my tendency to bore when i am interested

my tendency to not be interested at all

my tendency........u get the drift right?

I'd really like a real buddy....a real friend.......who would listen to all this......maybe i do have them......but im too scared to tell them what i feel.............

anyway

crying buckets

whining

no time to spare love

yours...if you like

confusius

am i livin a lie????

AM i a lie??!!!!!!!

humph........

DATE: 26th of August

MOOD: wallowin in self pity..........................filled with self doubt..................(kinda pictured that from what was written above right?)

wellllllllll.......aloha everybody again..........................the queens back again...............(could anybody tell me where she is?).......................my humours is temporarily ruptured....(ok...when exactly wasnt it???)...................and im in one of those moments where the greats of this world(ahem) feel themselves to be worthless pieces of ##%%#$ shit............and i need YOUR help to get me back into shape (how ur gonna do that u ask??? i have no clue either)

just yesterday i went through what every girl could call pure torture............my friends suddenly found it "fun" (pure evil!!) to talk (ok.....vehemently spit!! is more like it) about everything even remotely related to me...............well its not as if  my waterworks start flowing everytime anybody tells me how much my hair resembles a freshly used mop..........but cmon! have a heart!!! how many times am i gonna hear the same ol'.."ohhhhhhh....looks like your zits have reduced...no wait!! that aint ur face!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i try to take it in my stride.....laugh at it....but how much can a gal take???

i was thinking about how under confident i can be when it comes to sayin no!!! i end up in the worst of situations (willingly mind you) with no option but to agree to do whatever im told....why?? Coz i cant say fuckin NO!!!! i wonder if my friends would do the same for me.......i dont like thinkin of what would happen if i were in their place (friend: wut?? u serious??? pfffttt.....gellost!)

yea.... i kno i kno.....im being a bitch.....but u kno wut.....i guess i am a bitch....but....but ......im a PROUD bitch!!!! ....yes you heard me.....this is the one place where i get to flush out all that shit i keep inside me when i go through crap.....so im entitled to some bitchiness myself......

and people say im underconfident.......HAH!!!

if they would just prod in to know a little more about me....

and people say m boring.....hmmm...

now thats something i wonder about most of the times.....define boring......what is it??? the fact that you cant make people laugh? i can do that.....perhaps....you cant initiate a convo???

i can do that....

i guess people dont give you a chance

thats why i hate stereotypes and pre conceived perceptions ....i know a lot about that......

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i guess im done with my weekly flushing...

hope ill be able to come in later for some more business.....

till then......W/C UNOCCUPIED

chao

aloha!

today i feel calm....spiritual....assured......so ur going to have to bear with my sermons and preachings on 'worldly' issues

Friends : they're meant to be there for u.....without em life kinda sucks....but it kinda sucks with them sometimes too. Never ever lie to a friend. Ever. Dont be nice to a friend when you dont feel like it.....they're you're only path to vent anger.

Family : very important. Very. Just love em.....nothing else matters

School : a place to chill...hang out ......discuss the latest rumours....throw spit balls.......oh yea...and we study there too

Blog : a place where you write stuff you never would say on anybodys face

Food : stuff that millions die for.....stuff that millions cry for......

Me : your soul. your essence. your being as a part of this world.

Exams: stuff that scares the hell outta me

Hate: should be removed.

Reading : entertaining for some....boring for others.....a way to have fun without knowing it

lurve : happens once. hurts.

Thursday

MOOD: absolutely,horribly bugged

Hey everybody-who-happens-to-be-reading-my-blog,

Today I did something I've been itching to do for ages. Yup....i signed up and created a blog for "meself".Of late, there are sooooo many things happening in my mind that its like a flood of thoughts in there....and i just HAD to do somethnig to flush them out.....and this is the best bathroom i found! (ohk...lame-o sense of humour....but im in a bad mood!)

Let me start from the beginning.....just to make it easier for you (and me) to figure my life out. Im one of the millions of teens across globe who feel as if they just dont belong on this planet...or galaxy...or universe.....(am i going a bit too far?)

wondering about my nick? welll...in case you think i've got my mathematicians wrong...think again....im so confused about life that i decided to make my nick display two things im confused about....life and math!!! and voila....you have confusius....the greek confusionater!

HISTORY: lets start from where its important :)      age 7-12: i was a completely happy and content child...who always did what mom n dad said (i still do...) was the teachers pet...but lil did miss-goody-two-pigtails know at the time that everybody thought she was a dufus....an idiot....the kind of kid everybody laughs at coz they're too stupid to know it

age 12-14: ALOHA THE REAL WORLD!!! suddenly i realise what i was....and am!!!! i didnt mind it....i still dont...i mean it was ME!!! who cares how dumb other people thought i was....the fact is that i had never been more happy....anyways i was in for a rude shock.....i moved into a new school in the 8th grade...where some mojor changes did happen...but nothing prepared for what i was going to face later...NOTHING!!!!!!!

age 14-15 (present day and age): i move to another school...where im still the sweet kid who does'nt bitch and try to put down everybody....but i was still dumb...sooooo DUMB! its my first co-ed school............and its taught me more than any other school has..............

HOW IT ALL BEGAN: wellllllllll....it all started when i felt lonely......as if i had no friends.....coz i did'nt! and I'd hug the person who'd say they liked me as who i was in the first place!!!!!!!  i hardly had any friends...there were times id cry with my mom and she'd try to soothe me ...."it's ok...its not the quantity of frnds...its the quality that counts!" welll....all that jazz aint gonna do wonders to me!!! but after about 6 months or so (i kno...long time to live without a friend circle) i got into a group of girls in my class......i dont know how it happened....but its made the whole thing seem a lot more better....suddenly people knew WHO I WAS!!!! the people who mattered....the popular ones...they're the ones im talking about..........

THE BAD FEELINGS SEEPING IN: it was all great in the beginning...i felt so happy to be accepted and loved in a group i could call my own...but see...the thing was i was'nt ready for it....i was'nt a fashion freak...my hair was a mess......all this still applies even now....everything thats supposedly important to girls was everything that i cared a damn about...i didnt fit in

BOOM!: yup....it had to happen............i feel horrible know that i notice it everyday......these friends of mine are wonderful....the best thing thats happened to me since i came here..................but do they know ME? sometimes i feel as if (ohk... i KNOW IT) im the least popular in this group....and it freaks me out!

                                                                                                              Satisfied,

                                                                                                                       Confusius